Friendship as pathway to psychological and spiritual maturity

By Jose Parappully, SDB

“We must allow ourselves the exhilaration, genuinely felt and shown, and not just spoken about, which comes from loving and being loved. Only in this way, and through this experience can we come closer to an understanding of a God who is defined as love.” – Francis Moloney

A long time ago, the philosopher Epicurus had presented friendship as one of the crucial contributors to health and happiness. Today, psychological research and theory not only support Epicurus’ observation, but go beyond to attest that healthy relationships are the greatest contributors to health and happiness.

This idea got papal support when Pope Benedict of happy memory declared during a Conference at the Vatican on Information Technology that “It is through our friendships that we grow and develop as humans. For this reason, true friendship has always been seen as one of the greatest good any human person can experience” (Benedict XVI, 2009, para 7).

Ignace Lepp, depth psychologist and priest, had this to say about the value for friendship: “My long practice as a depth psychologist has enabled me to verify the important role friendship can play in promoting authentic existence and to observe the distress of those who are deprived of it. I am convinced that friendship is one of the most fundamental of existential values, that it can make a man’s [woman’s] life infinitely more beautiful and fruitful.… Its imperfections and limitations notwithstanding, friendship represents one of the most precious values of the human condition.” (in Wanner, 1987, pp. 916, 919)

Friendships not only enhance our psychological growth, but also contribute significantly to growing in spiritual maturity. Authentic friendships deepen and expand not only our affective lives, but also our love relationship with God. As Wanner has observed, “the development of friendship is a development of the spiritual life. When friendship is true, it can be one of the great ways in which God comes” (1987, p. 923).

According to Biblical scholar Francis Moloney (1986) an experience of deep human love is necessary to know who God is: “We must allow ourselves the exhilaration, genuinely felt and shown, and not just spoken about, which comes from loving and being loved. Only in this way, and through this experience can we come closer to an understanding of a God who is defined as “love.” (p. 115)

We express empathy through efforts to understand the other and respond to the other in caring and sensitive ways. These actions gradually enhance and deepen our personality and our spirituality.

Renowned theologian Karl Rahner (1989) described the role of love and friendship in psychological and spiritual growth thus: “In love the gates of my soul spring open, allowing me to breathe a new air of freedom and forget my own petty self. In love my whole being streams forth out of the rigid confines of my own poverty and emptiness. (p. 13)

Celibate Friendship:

For those committed to a celibate way of life, friendship is the “sacrament of celibate love” (Sandra Schneiders). Genuine human affection experienced in friendship enriches their celibate lives. It deepens their humanity, and enriches all their relationships – with God, with one another. By awakening and enhancing qualities basic to ministry – sensitivity, warmth, gentleness, compassion – friendship enriches their ministry.

Friendship in Marriage:

Marriages are enriched when the partners consider each other as their best friend, and more so, when they have one or two other very close friends. Studies have found that couples who have such friends experience higher levels of life satisfaction and self-esteem and lower levels of depression than spouses who do not have close friends. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote “It is not the absence of love but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.” 

Man-Woman Friendships:

The findings of psychology today go beyond stating the need for human love and friendship in every adult’s life. Research advocates heterosexual friendships especially among those committed to the celibate way of life. The close union of two persons in heterosexual friendship has extraordinary effects on the individual life of each partner. It has been found to result in a surprising store of creative energy and general enrichment. It is said that a vowed celibate is more likely to remain so if he or she has a number of friends of the opposite sex.

The Genesis story of creation of man and woman implies there is something about the psychology of a man that calls out for a feminine influence in his life. Without that feminine influence man’s masculinity cannot fully develop. It is the same for the woman. Her femininity blossoms through close relations with men. Friendship is the pathway for such personality enhancement and integration for celibate men and women.

Heterosexual friendship among celibates is desirable at least on two grounds: 1. It allows celibate men and women to develop many dimensions of their human potential, some of which normally develop only through relationship with persons of the opposite sex. 2. As a consequence, these enriched persons are more capable of loving God and people with genuine human love.

Celibates, enriched by heterosexual friendships, are more capable of loving God and people with genuine human love.

Fr Donald Cozzens who had been a major seminary rector for many years has this to say about the value of celibate friendship for priests and religious: “Authentic celibate living for most priests and religious is aided and sustained by and through authentic, intimate, non-sexual friendships with both men and women (2006, p. 70). He provides the reason for this: Priests gifted with authentic celibate relationships often discover a transformation of soul, a compassion and strength previously unknown to them. In spite of the suffering that inevitably touches all human love and friendship, priests blessed with celibate, loving intimacy give thanks for the wonder of it all. In the process, they believe they have grown as men of God, as men of the church. (2006, p. 74)

Requisites:

What are the ingredients that help to establish and support healthy friendships? A few of them are listed below:

1. Attention: Friendship begins by noticing and paying attention to someone. We want to know that person more, understand him or her and their situation and needs better. After knowing, we respond with empathy and sensitivity. In the process the two of us come to believe that we care for each other and can rely on the other for support.

2. Affection: As we come to know the other more deeply, we develop fondness for the other. We express affection, warmth. We seek one another’s company. We look at and relate with the other in ways that make both of us feel loved and cared for.

3. Appreciation: Paying attention and expressing affection, makes us become more aware of the other. We see the kind of person her or she is, their goodness, beauty, talents and giftedness, and express our appreciation for these. To appreciate one another, we need to know one another more deeply. For this, it is essential that we disclose our inner thoughts and feelings with the other – reveal our “intima”- the inner layers of our psyche and soul. We need to be willing to take the risks involved in such self-disclosure.

4. Acceptance: We accept our friend as he or she is, without putting any pressure on them to be the person we want them to be. We are able to accept our friends with their limitations and shortcomings, while appreciating the positives in them.

5. Allowing: As our friendship deepens, both of us will inevitably be affected by the other. Our personalities will change, our goals and values, our thinking and behaviour will change. Gradually a qualitatively real transformation in the core of our being will take place. We need to allow this to happen, without offering any conscious resistance to the other’s influence on us.

6. Action: We give expression to all the above in the way we relate to our friend. Thus, we show our care and concern by standing by the other, supporting the other. We show attention in the way we seek to be present to the other. We express our fondness through words and gestures. We express empathy through efforts to understand the other and respond to the other in caring and sensitive ways. These actions gradually enhance and deepen our personality and our spirituality.

My forthcoming book, Psychospiritual Dynamics at Midlife and Beyond (St. Paul Publications) has chapters on love, intimacy and friendship that elaborate the ideas briefly described in this article.

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References:

Benedict XVI, Pope. (2009, May 24). New technologies, new relationships: Promoting a culture of respect, dialogue and friendship. Message of the Holy Father Benedict XVI for the 43 rd World Communications Day [Electronic version]: Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

Cozzens. D. (2006). Freeing celibacy. Collegeville, MN: The Liturgical Press.

Moloney, F. (1986). A life of promise: Poverty, chastity, obedience. Bangalore: ATC.

Rahner, K. (1989). Prayers for a life time. Mumbai: St. Paul Publications. (Original work published 1984)

Wanner, R. (1987). Aelred of Rievaulx: ‘Twelfth century answers to twentieth century questions.’ Review for Religious, 46(6), 914-930.

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