A priest-psychologist responds

TO A GIRL WHO HAS FALLEN IN LOVE

Loyola, Thiruvananthapuram

February 10, 2026

My dear Anamika,

Thank you for your email. I read it slowly, with a smile and a prayer. I greatly appreciate your trust in me that has made you share with me your love story. You say  you have fallen in love with Syam. To fall in love is a beautiful, human, and — if I may say — sacred experience. It testifies that your body, mind, and soul are awake and reaching toward another. I rejoice with you, and I also write as a mentor who has watched many young couples on campus learn, stumble, and grow.

First, let me affirm what you feel. Attraction and tenderness are not problems to be fixed. They are gifts. Love is a movement of the whole person, and it deserves to be honoured.

At the same time, love asks for wisdom. It can lift us toward our best selves, or it can, if left unchecked, lead us into confusion and hurt. My hope for you is that your relationship with Syam would lead to mutual growth. I hope it will take you to a place where you can confidently say, “Syam inspires me to be the best version of myself, and I do the same for him.”

As both a priest and a psychologist, let me offer a few brief, practical guidelines. Mind you this is fraternal counsel. These are not rules to stifle joy. I have kept them short, but they are grounded in spiritual wisdom and psychological insight.

Look for mutual growth. True love is not a mirror that only reflects our desires; it is a workshop where two people help shape one another into fuller persons. Ask yourself: does this relationship nurture your virtues – generosity, patience, honesty, study, prayer? Do you inspire him to grow? If the relationship makes you feel smaller, sullen, or less like yourself, that is a red flag. Love should enlarge your freedom – not diminish it.

Actions more than words. Promises are easy. It is behaviour that reveals one’s true character. Notice whether he keeps his word, whether he shows up when it matters. See if his actions show he is reliable, honest and kind. Actions reveal far more than grand declarations. As St. Ignatius Loyola reminds us, love “ought to be manifested more in deeds than in words.”

Let that wisdom guide you: look for consistency, not rhetoric. You should know that daily acts of caring and concern are the truest measure of a heart’s intent.

Attraction and tenderness are not problems to be fixed. They are gifts. Love is a movement of the whole person, and it deserves to be honoured.

Cultivate mutual respect and trust. When you are with him, you should feel safe to be yourself without fear of ridicule. Emotional intimacy means sharing fears and dreams and being received with care. If you find yourself hiding parts of yourself, or if he mocks your vulnerabilities, pause and reflect. Psychologically, it is secure relationships – those that foster trust and emotional safety – are the ones that allow both partners to explore and grow without losing themselves.

Practice healthy communication. Speak honestly about your intentions, boundaries, and needs. Listen with humility. When disagreements arise — and trust me, they will — aim for calm, not conquest. Name the hurt, avoid blame, and seek solutions together. If you cannot resolve something, ask for help from a trusted mentor or counsellor. Emotional regulation – learning to notice and name feelings before reacting – helps conversations stay constructive rather than destructive.

Set and maintain boundaries. These boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, and physical. Physical affection is beautiful yet requires responsibility: agree together on what honours your bodies and futures; consent, mutuality, and patience are non-negotiable. Protect emotional boundaries by respecting each other’s need for space and avoiding enmeshment. Honour spiritual boundaries by sharing your faith experiences freely but without in any way forcing him to try yours. If any pressure appears, name it, step back, and speak with a trusted mentor. You must know that boundaries safeguard dignity and make mature love possible.

It is behaviour that reveals one’s true character. Notice whether he keeps his word, whether he shows up when it matters. See if his actions show he is reliable, honest and kind.

Keep your commitments to study, family, and community — and inspire Syam to do the same. Love should strengthen both your lives, not become an excuse to neglect responsibilities. Anamika, be worthy of Syam’s trust by giving your best to the duties entrusted to you: attend to your studies, nurture your friendships, and remain close to your family. Give yourselves time, and when you feel ready, take pride in introducing Syam to your family – and invite him to do the same with his. Such introductions are not mere formalities but signs of trust, readiness, and a willingness to be known. Let openness, not secrecy, guide you both: honesty brings clarity, while concealment breeds confusion.

Pray and discern together. Make time for shared prayer, even brief moments of gratitude. Use what the Jesuits call ‘the examen’: at day’s end, ask what brought you closer to God and to one another, and what pulled you away. Discernment is not only for big decisions; it helps you notice the small patterns that shape a relationship.

Be ready to change and to forgive. Love invites growth: we grow, learn, and change, and genuine love both welcomes the person as they are and gently calls them to fuller life. If a habit of yours harms the relationship – anger, avoidance, and jealousy – own it and work on it; likewise, be generous in forgiveness when appropriate. But remember that acceptance is not unconditional permissiveness: loving someone means accepting their dignity while also holding one another to standards that protect flourishing. Do not let forgiveness become a cover for repeated harm.

Finally, remember that healthy love, as both faith and psychology teach, is a context for mutual flourishing: it supports individuality while inviting shared growth.

Anamika, if you have doubts or questions even after reading this email, let us meet sometime for a cup of tea and talk through what you hope for and what worries you. We can pray together and make a plan that honours both your heart and your future.

May God bless this exciting season of your life!

Fraternally,

Sanil, SJ

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