All dressed up with nowhere to go!

How parents and teachers can help our youth

By Emmanuel Arockiam, SJ

During the informal interviews of a few college students during the past few months, I asked them where they would be in ten years. They blinked. They frowned. Some looked at others and giggled. Surprised by the unusualness of my question, they repeated hesitantly my words, “ten years!?” And they added without pausing, “I don’t know”, “Some job”, “Not sure”, “May be, marriage”, “Depends…”, “I haven’t yet decided”, etc.

When Corona has covered the face of the earth with a black veil, many students can’t see it for what it is. They don’t remember what they have learned through online classes; campus placements have been suspended or at a minimum; and the majority of students are wondering why they joined the course they are in. In this context, how many youths will be sure of their answer to the question, “Quo Vadis?” While they are going to complete their Bachelor’s or Master’s level degrees this academic year, uncertainty is everyone’s current state of mind; anxiety is writ large on their faces; negativity seems to be their fate; and unpreparedness is their collective ID. All dressed up with nowhere to go! Are they hoping and waiting to be rescued by lady luck? Or their parents? Are the youth of today in dire need of Deus et Machina as in Greek tragedies or in Indian movies!?

Technically the age group between childhood and adulthood is called youth. However, according to the United Nations’ definition, youth are those who are between 15 and 24 years. Approximately the number of youth in the world today is one billion – 18% of the world population. If you include all the adolescents, the percentage will be still higher.

Their strengths: Indeed, youth are the future, the strength and the glory of the world. With their cognitive intelligence, they can learn, discover and soar into the realms of new knowledge. With their enormous power they can climb the Himalayas if they fix their eyes on them. With their creativity, they can invent something new that could be beyond our ken.

Their struggles: However, the youth easily snap under stress. Their window of tolerance is low. They get frustrated and angry if they don’t get what they want. A very high per cent of those who commit suicide belong to this group. The obvious and necessary question is, “Why?”

Their dreams: They cannot and do not want to be children dependent on parents. Neither are they adults who can stand on their own feet. They are eager to be totally independent, taking control of their lives, opting for freedom rather than for responsibility. They are impatient to make tons of money and to behave like filthy rich adults. They want to have dream jobs and desirable partners so that they can live happily ever after. If that is so, why don’t they convert their longings and dreams into reality? What stops them from achieving their goals?

Minds distracted, Energy dissipated: The youth are in perpetual motion, like rolling stones that gather no moss, in a long transition, on the move from Egypt to the Promised Land, trying to negotiate with hostile strangers and unexpected challenges all the time. It is only natural that their energies are dissipated, minds distracted, and hearts disturbed with many aspirations and emotions. They may be curious, and may explore but may also get lost in their search. Often they are ambitious, but their goals may be far-fetched. They may try to ride on the impossible dream as they may imagine that nothing is beyond their reach.

Minds distracted, Energy dissipated: The youth are in perpetual motion, like rolling stones that gather no moss, in a long transition, on the move from Egypt to the Promised Land, trying to negotiate with hostile strangers and unexpected challenges all the time. It is only natural that their energies are dissipated, minds distracted, and hearts disturbed with many aspirations and emotions. They may be curious, and may explore but may also get lost in their search. Often they are ambitious, but their goals may be far-fetched. They may try to ride on the impossible dream as they may imagine that nothing is beyond their reach.

They may try to ride on the impossible dream as they may imagine that nothing is beyond their reach.

Emotional upheaval & Negative behaviours: Thinking they are invincible, they take risks. Their heads tend to be up in the clouds of idealistic thinking while their feet are dangling in the air without being grounded in solid, realistic goals. Like the flash floods that rush down the mountains, the rushing hormones of the emotional youth can destroy rationality, long-held values and much-cherished relationships. Their emotional upheaval can erupt in negative behaviours, and their consequences may make them rue their whole lives.

Enigma unto themselves: With all these contradictions, the youth become an enigma unto themselves. It is not only they are at a loss to know who they are but also others and even parents find it difficult to understand them. The crux of the problem is that despite their intelligence, they are unaware of their own worth. They may not have tapped their inner potential. They may not have excelled in their God-given talents. They may feel that they have not achieved something great to pin their identity on. As Erik Erikson said, they may have disturbing confusions about their identity.

If they can discover who they are, and who they want to be, and how they would reach their destiny of life, their doubts would vanish and they can traverse with inner peace, though they may face many a hurdle in their journey. If only they could realize what they are capable of, they would bring out their true self and continue to flourish as persons, fully human and fully alive. That would be their life achievement. Then they could boldly say as Michelangelo did, “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

What parents and teachers can do:

Help them see the angel within: It is the responsibility of parents and teachers to train the youth to have insight into their selves. They must inspire the youth to recognize the angel within and to set her free in order to make the world radiant with joy and peace. The youth must also be helped to maximize their potential and contribute to the welfare of the people in the world now and to the wellbeing of the future generations as well. It must be part of the larger society’s culture to inculcate the noble goal of doing for others what we expect others to do for us.

Be psychologically present: Even if teachers and parents do not understand the youth fully, they must be psychologically present to them. They must understand how the youth perceive four things: self, others, world and God. If the parents and teachers could achieve this feat, they will be able to see eye to eye with the youth; they will be given free access to the private world of the youth. Parents and teachers should know the normal problems of the youth, how they are tossed about like a driftwood in the ocean, how they are struggling to manage their emotions, and what issues they have which affect their self-concept and self-esteem. Being observant of their children’s external behaviour is not sufficient. They must develop insights into the cause of their children’s behaviour and their list of priorities in life. They must be able to intuitively recognize their children’s emotions and the triggers that activate their sensations and feelings, especially negative ones.

Give them the three As: Despite the all-consuming social media and the long list of contacts, the youth invariably feel lonely. They feel bored without their mobiles and laptops. Therefore, if the parents and teachers can give to their children – without counting the cost and without expecting anything in return – the three As: Affection, Attention and Appreciation, the youth will not be infected with loneliness, purposelessness and meaninglessness, which are quite common among the youth. If society can treat their youth as honourable and lovable individuals, and actively listen to them with respect and concern, the youth will feel good about themselves and develop a healthy attitude of “I’m OK, others are OK”. Instead of giving up, seeing their fumbling and clumsiness, if the teachers and mentors can truly believe what the youth could become in future and offer them support and encouragement, the youth can fly with wings of hope and confidence.

Disapprove when necessary but love them always: The youth should be able to believe that the elders in their lives have enough empathy to understand them and are with them emotionally. They must be grounded in the trust their parents and teachers place on them, which would, in turn, make them trustworthy. Even when their parent or teacher disapproves their addictions to substances, pornography or sexual misdemeanours, idiosyncratic thinking, avoidable negative feelings and quirky behaviours, the youth must be assured of their unconditional love and genuine concern. Win their confidence: If you – as a parent, teacher or mentor – can win the confidence of the youth, you can help them channelize their volcanic energy into productive achievements by which the whole world will profit. Despite their tough and unmanageable exterior, the youth are quite malleable. Deep down they are vulnerable. They are like gems, uncut and unpolished. They need the loving touch of a master craftsman. The youth may not be able to see the distant future, but you, who are dealing with them, can help them take the next step confidently and in the right direction.