Discerning the Demons

By A. Joseph Dorairaj

The mobile rang continuously. The printer told Mathew that the invitations have been printed and packed.

In seven days Mathew and his seven novitiate companions were to be ordained by the newly-consecrated bishop at St. Francis Xavier Jubilee Auditorium. The bishop wanted it to be an event that would inspire the laity, particularly the youth, so that some of them will be encouraged to become priests.

Just a day before the ordination, Mathew was down with typhoid and had to be hospitalized. He was in a pretty bad shape and his provincial was by his side. His parents were deeply worried and pleaded with the provincial to go ahead with the ordination. He listened to them calmly and told them, “We’ll wait and see. Another twenty-four hours to go. We’ll consult the doctor and if he says ok, we’ll definitely proceed with Mathew’s ordination. Even otherwise there is no problem. He can be ordained in a few months, whenever the bishop is available.”

“But Father, we’ve made all arrangements. All our relatives have gathered here. Some have come from the Middle East and a couple of them from the US. Please don’t cancel Mathew’s ordination on any account.”

“We’re not cancelling his ordination. We may have to postpone it because of his health condition. Whenever the doctor gives us the green signal, we’ll go ahead.”

A couple of days later Mathew felt better. He wanted to be shifted to his residence and the doctor approved his decision. Everyone who visited him assured his parents that he would be ordained soon.

A week later, Mathew met his provincial and told him, “Father, I want to be in the Retreat Centre for a week. I’m emotionally disturbed. I also have a few nagging questions regarding my vocation. Since my spiritual director is also the director of the Retreat Centre, I would like to seek his guidance.”

The provincial and the doctor gave him the green signal to go to the Retreat Centre and advised him to continue with the medication. Meeting his spiritual director at the Retreat Centre, he said, “Father, of late I’m unable to sleep. In fact, I am unable to focus on anything.”

The bishop wanted it to be an event that would inspire the laity, particularly the youth, so that some of them will be encouraged to become priests.

“Is anything troubling you, Mathew?” asked his spiritual director.

“Yes, Father. I’ve some nagging questions about my vocation. If God had really chosen me, then he should have ensured that I didn’t fall sick just before my ordination. When all my co-novices were ordained, why was I left out? What is God’s plan for me?”

“Mathew, you’re reading too much into your hospitalization. The postponement of your ordination was for health reasons, not religious ones. It could have happened to me – to anybody, for that matter. That has nothing to do with your vocation. These are two different issues. I’m surprised that you’ve tied up these two issues.”

“I don’t think my hospitalization was just an accident. I take it as a subtle message. Maybe I am not meant to be a priest. Maybe my vocation is elsewhere.”

Some hinted that Mathew was leaving the seminary and was getting married to his former classmate. Some even wondered whether he had any vocation in the first place.

At the Retreat Centre, Mathew prayed hard. He spent long hours in meditation. He wanted to discern the will of God and act accordingly. His spiritual director was able to guide him in this rather difficult phase of his journey.

After three months his provincial told Mathew to go back to the college where he taught, but advised him to keep meeting his spiritual director every week without fail.        Getting back to his teaching and hostel assignments helped him a lot to gain stability. Now he was both physically and emotionally much better. But his doubts, his demons tortured him.      

Sometime in mid-May, he participated in a week-long intensive course on Ignatian Discernment, directed by a famous Jesuit priest. After talking to him for long hours, he made up his mind.

Calling his provincial, he said, “Father, are you free this weekend? I’d like to meet you regarding my future.”

“Good to hear from you Mathew. I’m free this weekend. You’re most welcome.”

Mathew and his provincial had long conversations.

“Father, I am not sure that God wants me to be a priest. I cannot live with this nagging doubt any more. So, it’s better that I leave.”

The provincial thought for a long time. He told him that he would talk to his team and get back to him. After a week, he said to him, “If you have discerned the will of God and, after intense prayer and reflection, have decided, to leave the seminary, I don’t want to hold you back. I respect your decision and will continue to support you in whatever way I can.”

Mathew rang up his father and told him that he had decided to leave the seminary. His father cried inconsolably. He told him, “It’s heart-breaking, son. I don’t know how your mom will take it. She’s already very stressed. But I’m with you.”

If God had really chosen me, then he should have ensured that I didn’t fall sick just before my ordination. When all my co-novices were ordained, why was I left out?

That weekend he reached his parents’ home around 7 pm. After dinner he and his parents sat around the dining table and discussed a few things.“Mom, I’ve two requests,” said Mathew. “First, no visitors please. I don’t want to meet anyone and answer their unending questions as to why I left the seminary. Second, don’t force me to go to the church for the time being.”

His father patted him on his back and assured him of their continued support.

For nearly two months, Mathew didn’t stir out of the house. In fact, he hardly left his room. He was seen walking up and down in a meditative mood.

After nearly two months, he said to his father. “Dad, I’ll rejoin the college. I spoke to the principal and he told me that my post as an Assistant Professor of Mathematics is intact.”

“Go ahead, son.”

There were dramatic changes in Mathew after he re-joined his college. There was a semblance of normalcy in his life and his face looked a lot brighter. His parents were quite relieved.

After nearly six months, one evening while they were having tea, his mom asked him, “Son, is there any possibility of going back to the seminary?”

Mathew was silent for a long time.

“You needn’t answer if it will make you uncomfortable.”

His novitiate companions wanted to celebrate the first anniversary of their ordination. They wanted Mathew to join them. They all went to a nearby pilgrim centre, celebrated Mass and had dinner. After dinner, his companions asked him if he thought of going back to the seminary. When he said ‘No,’ many of them insisted that he should then get married and settle down. John, his close friend, convinced him about getting married.

Four months later Mathew and Jancy got married in the cathedral in a quiet ceremony attended by less than 100 people. His former provincial and the director of the Retreat Centre concelebrated his wedding Mass. All his novitiate companions had turned up and everyone was happy. His parents kept smiling.

A few weeks after his wedding, Mathew called up John and told him that he wanted to spend some time with him. When he told him that he was coming alone, he was annoyed and told him to bring his wife also. “No John, I’m coming alone. I want to discuss something important.” After much persuasion, John relented.

John and Mathew went for a long walk. During the entire conversation, Mathew’s only question was: “John, did I take the right decision? Sometimes I feel that I should have stayed back in the seminary. Am I the right person for Jancy? Did I do the right thing marrying her? Did she deserve someone better than me?”

John told him firmly: “Mathew, stop asking these questions. You went through a process of discernment and decided to get married. What makes you doubt the result of that process? These nagging doubts are your demons. Drive them away. Look ahead and be a good husband to Jancy.”

A few weeks later Mathew met John with Jancy and they celebrated her birthday. He assured John: “I’m wrestling with my demons, John. Please pray that I win.”

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